Adam Zero's ramblings and rants on popular music, culture, politics, folklore, religion and related skullduggery.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

A Modest Flag-Burning Proposal

Ate lunch the other day with old pal RJ. Discussed the flag-burning issue and came up with a couple of "out of the box" or "third way" political ideas to deal with this pressing issue.

And it might just make the state of Tennessee some much-need moolah (since we don't have a state income tax we gotta milk the pennies from somewhere and I'm sure the rest of the state-taxing states wouldn't turn their noses up at the windfall revenue).

I know we've got terrorists exploding subway trains and busses, but we've got to settle this flag thing once and for all if we're gonna put up any real resistance to the onslaught of fundamentalist Islam.

We've got to know what we stand for. We've got to have a sacred symbol--like the Muslims have the Koran. Something you can't desecrate without getting in some deep punitive feces. (Preferably stoning, it's the most cathartic and probably acts as some kind of deterrent, where are the sociological studies when you need them?)

So this is the idea, hatched by RJ and yours truly.

First, don't just let any Walmart goon sell flags. Only have licensed dealers selling the American flag. An American flag completely made in America, that is. The hell with NAFTA or CAFTA on this one. We don't need any American flags sewn by Guatamalans.

Second, make the purchaser of the flag pay a license fee when they buy a flag. We have the wheel tax and the driver's license fees. We've even got marriage licenses you have to shuck the bucks for. Why not add a flag license. We could even make hopeful buyers take and pass a test (paying for the privilege, mind you) in order to own a flag. Ask them questions about Betsey Ross, color symbolism, flag history, the War of 1812, the proper methods of care and disposal of a flag.

This may sound silly, but RJ told me of a neighbor who had the unpatriotic temerity to dispose of old glory in the garbage can with other trash. Don't these people know that you're supposed to burn a flag that has been weathered or delapidate?!

You can burn the flag when it's worn out--but not as a political statement. I know it's confusing, but that's all the more reason that we need these "flag education" courses.

It'd sorta be like our version of the old communist "reeducation" classes. Who knows, maybe even the armed forces enlistment rates would stop their freefall.

Anyhow, once you been certified, paid your fees, passed your test, gotten your licsene--then you could be the proud and legal owners of an official made-in-America American flag.

There are billions in revenues waiting out there and whole new bureaucracies to establish.

This idea is a real winner and I think gets to the heart of contemporary American values. Nobody's out there burning paper money--the "dead presidents" rule. We've got to invest some of the dollar's iconic cache in the poor old flag.

Who knows where it can go from here? Think of the branding opportunities? The revenue streams. Every pair of short-shorts with a flag pattern paying a licensing fee. Every red-white-and-blue lunchbox or bumper sticker or GI Joe--ca ching! Every stars-and-stripes tattoo above some fat-assed biker-chick's buttcrack--ca ching!

This is pure gold, baby, it'll be as easy as the Treasury printing money!

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